How’s my heart?

So many things had happened… I got a new blog and my posts there are less serious, maybe because it’s like a social networking site. Well, I guess that blog is just one of those reasons why I failed to post here…

I was reading my old posts here just this morning and I realized how things have changed. I was too emotional before. Perhaps I am still emotional now but I have learned a lot, really.

First, we are back together. Imagine, I was convincing myself back then that my decision of breaking up with him was the best thing to do and moving forward was what I needed. I even had regrets and a lot of mixed thoughts about him, about the girl, about us. Well, let’s just say that I was too weak that I could not resist myself. I even wrote in one of my posts that hope I could resist myself from hugging him back the next time we would see each other. Still, giving him another chance was not the thing I really wanted at that time. Maybe I just missed him, or I needed someone to accompany me at that time and my best friend was also busy with his girl friend. Maybe I was used to that feeling or maybe I don’t love him exactly the same way as before. It’s not that easy to forget what he did and what happened. It’s not easy to think what if it would happen again.

I was too busy hanging around with him that I even forgot my worries. Months passed and were still together, though there were times when we asked ourselves if this is what we really want, or just need. I know I am not close to the ideal girl, I also have a lot of mistakes and lies. I know someday, maybe we will realize that it’s not really us. I guess, I have learned so much that I am already too pessimistic.

Now, we are already five years, just include those four months of break up. I can say that he improved a lot, has been more patient and understanding. Yet we still fight a lot, more frequent this time and I am already used to it. Maybe he can say that it’s tiring, you know, arguing about the same issue, of giving him time and communicating with him often. Sometimes, I want to think that he wants to give up already because my attitude or personality is not easy to handle. Those are some of the reasons why among my other reasons of leaving him, I still stay and love him. He’s the only guy who can withstand my attitude, the one who patiently waits for me…

I am happy, though I really do not know what happens next. I still have this guilty feeling inside but I can’t say why so. Someday, I will reveal that guilt.

How’s my heart? Perhaps, it’s okay or soon to be okay. It may be crying and bleeding sometimes but it’s gonna be alright.

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